Relationship Advice From.... Strangers?! (That I REALLY Love)

Did you read that right?? YES! But with reason, I promise.
In today's conversation,  I'm talking about my surprise vacation (definitely have NEVER done anything like this before) I am sharing relationship advice I've gathered from complete strangers! But ... why?
As my husband and I started getting ready to celebrate our wedding and engagement anniversaries this year, I found myself on an accidental journey of sorts.

I found myself collecting wisdom from people in long-lasting relationships and marriages, and honestly, it got juicy! I'm so excited to share what I heard and learned with you. And these definitely aren't the boring "just communicate well" answers. 

I also share my personal experiences, favorite pieces of advice, and the theory that shaped my view on "emotional bids" in a relationship. So let's chat -- today we're intentionally choosing to nurture and  cultivate our best love (because we deserve it!)

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Transcript

Relationship Advice From Strangers

Speaker 1 0:00

It only takes a second and it makes you so much more emotionally , intimately connected . Hello , my loves , and welcome to the Purposeful Lifestyle Development Podcast , where we discuss all things thought , work and manifestation , but we use neuroscience and the study of the brain to do so . I'm your host , tessa Spiezeck . I'm a board certified practitioner , master , life and health coach and seasoned executive speaker . If you're ready to create your highest value lifestyle and turn your dream life into a reality , you're in the right place . Let's get right into today's episode . Hello , hello , my loves . Welcome back to another episode here on the Purposeful Lifestyle Development Podcast . Thank you so much for spending your time with me here today . However , and wherever you are listening in from If you're new here , of course don't forget to hit subscribe so that you never miss part of our conversation here . And , as you see from the title , i am not the only one giving advice today . Today , we are talking about relationship advice from strangers . Yes , and let me explain to you why . So I have been over the last few weeks collecting advice sorry , i guess we could say even over the last few months very specifically collecting advice from people who have been married for a long time . And I'll explain to you kind of what this is and what I mean . So I had this idea about little before last March when my very first wedding anniversary was coming up . So the last maybe two and a half months or so because you know your big life , things like that it just becomes part of the conversation . We'd find ourselves out chatting with people , maybe in a restaurant , like picture . The host asks oh , what are you celebrating ? We say anniversary . The couple next to us makes small talks as congrats , that type of thing , or shopping for anniversary outfits , like what you're going to wear that day , and the gal checking you out is like oh , what's this occasion for ? You say your anniversary , get to chatting , that type of thing . And we've even had a little bit wider range of time for this conversation to happen between us and strangers over the last few months , because not only did we celebrate our wedding anniversary March 26th but we're also celebrating our engagement anniversary here on May 11th , so just in a few days here , because we are getting ready for a trip . Not only is it my birthday but it's my engagement anniversary and I don't know where we're going . My husband , joe , planned the surprise getaway and I guess I'll know where we're going . When we get to the airport I am so beyond excited . I have never done something like this go somewhere that I don't even know where I'm going . All I know is he said bring your beach clothes , be beach ready . So I've been packing little by little over the last few months . It feels like it's so exciting and different and such a huge blessing And , of course , the privilege to be able to do this . So of course , that's kind of what I'm getting at . Not only were we talking about our wedding engagement coming up , but also our anniversary engagement coming up , because it's on my birthday . We'll be on a trip . So we've been having these conversations just surrounding love and anniversaries and relationships And honestly I'll just side note here I am so excited I have no idea what to expect .

Speaker 1 3:42

Joe proposed on my birthday two years ago in Antigua And that was a surprise too He planned this birthday champagne photo shoot around the island . You can see those in my social medias And then when we got back to shore , he had everything set up . We walked up to this big heart rose in the sand . He popped the question . I said yes , a really romantic dinner on the beach was great . So , celebrating our two year anniversary of our engagement on the beach somewhere , so I'll let you know when we get back . But in the case , a little fun life update as we go along with explaining why I've had this conversation so much lately .

Speaker 1 4:23

But I noticed that when I asked , for whatever reason , it just happened to be that a lot of the people that this happened with would follow up with oh , we've been married 25 years , 35 years , like really long term partnerships , marriages , very impressive . They got to know something right . So I was asking you know like , oh hey , so you've been at this a long time . What's the best advice you got for me ? And the first person I asked you know it was normal , it's what you'd expect . Just always be kind , support each other . Nothing profound , but nice to hear lovely little reminders . So I kind of picked it up as my polite conversation piece since , like I said , it's been happening , my nice little small talk , so that me and this random person could just both have a lovely exchange .

Speaker 1 5:10

We know people love to talk about themselves , so giving a person permission to do that is a good , humanly thing to do , in my opinion , and I know all of this chatting with strangers could be super foreign to some people listening . I know some cultures definitely do not do that , but I live in the South , i live in Texas and probably too , because I'm a coach , i don't know . I guess I just have a very approachable face or body posture or something , because people are always talking to me right . But I got some really good answers and I really want to share them with you guys , and , of course , i'm going to add my thoughts on my favorite too . So let me know what you think And if you have any really good marriage relationship , whatever advice that you want to share with the class , please do So .

Speaker 1 5:59

Here are some of the ones that I heard the most that just really sat with me well And , like I said , i'll give you my notes . So to start , i know that you know most people said communication , blah , blah , blah . Right , we know that's a good one . But this one older gentleman that I met said it's not just communication , it's being a really good , active listener , not just giving your partner a minute to speak and then you talk at them , but hear them . And I love that , because it's always been a little weird to me that the one that people always go to is communication . But , frankly , not everyone's a good communicator , right ? My answer has always been respect , because if you respect someone , then you will communicate well with them . You will be better with them , by default , you know . But I really liked that it was so specific , because being an active listener is different than just communicating .

Speaker 1 6:59

Active listening is a communication skill , yes , but it involves going way beyond simply hearing the words that another person is speaking . But the goal in active listening is to understand the meaning and the intent behind what the person is saying , not just the words they're using . It requires being an active participant in the communication process . It's not just communicating . I mean people can communicate by shouting and cursing at each other , but having good communication needs active listening . This includes being fully present in the conversation . This is showing interest through your body language , facials , good eye contact , nodding to show that you understand all of that . It's noticing and using those nonverbal cues . It's asking open-ended questions to encourage your partner to go deeper with their responses , rather than just trying to answer or respond to yourself . It's letting them work through it . It's paraphrasing and reflecting back what's been said to you to make sure that you're on the same page . It's not judging and it's withholding any advice you might have unless they ask for it , and then being super thorough with your word choice .

Speaker 1 8:22

The big one , everyone's favorite , really good one . Listen it to understand rather than to just respond . I know it's not always easy . I'm a coach and a practitioner . A big part of my job is to be really good at that with my patients and clients . But even though it's a skill and even if you practice it , it's harder to do with someone that you're so close to , like your spouse or your partner . If you're already finishing each other's sentences half the time , it's really easy to have a tendency to feel like you already know what they need , you already know how they feel , you know what they're thinking , but it's a really good reminder that we can't know . So listen , be respectful in your communication . I love that .

Speaker 1 9:10

The next one is kind of a two-parter and we got a lot of choose your battles wisely , but on two ends of the spectrum . So few iterations of that one , but here are the main two points on each end . Firstly , don't let your molehills become mountains . There are times where we find something small that kind of bothers us or makes us feel bad , that we don't want to say anything or don't know how to say anything kind of back to our communication point . And that thing grows and grows until it's a real problem .

Speaker 1 9:47

And it makes me think of that story , that article that went pretty viral in the last few years . It was called She Divorced Me Because I Left the Dishes by the Sync . It wasn't a big deal to me when I was married , but it's a big deal to her . It's by Matthew Frey , who's talking about how he used to not understand why his wife left him , thinking that it was something as simple as not cleaning the dishes . And of course we know that it couldn't have just been that right May have been what broke the camel's back which finally led her to file , but that's not what did it . And he says he's got a really good point here . I'm going to read a little excerpt .

Healthy Relationship Communication Tips

Speaker 1 10:27

He said there's only one reason I will ever stop leaving my glass by the sink A lesson I learned much too late because I love and respect my partner and it really matters to her . That's it . I understand that when I leave the glass there , it hurts her , literally , causes her pain , because it feels to her like I just said hey , i don't respect you . I don't value your thoughts and opinions . I'm not going to take the four seconds it takes to put my glass in the dishwasher , because my four seconds is more important than you are . And all of a sudden it's not about something as benign and meaningless as a dirty dish . Now it's a meaningful act of love and sacrifice . And really , four seconds , that doesn't seem like the kind of thing too big for the person who sacrifices to me daily . I don't have to understand why she cares so much about the stupid glass . I just have to understand and respect that she does . Then I understood .

Speaker 1 11:29

Caring about her equals putting the glass in the dishwasher . Caring about her equals keeping your laundry off the floor . Caring about her equals thoughtfully not tracking dirt or whatever on the floor she just worked so hard to clean . Caring about her equals hey , babe , is there anything I can do today Or pick up on my way home that will make your life better ? Caring about her is a million little things that say I love you more than speaking those words can ever Ugh . So so good . So basically , what it's talking about is he finally understands .

Speaker 1 12:07

Wife did not just leave him for the dirty dishes in the sink , it was because she needed more support and help from him , needed involvement , and that act began to represent disrespect , lack of love , all of these things . So she left him . And now I know that was a long example , but the other end of the pendulum here is we gotta still pick wisely . You can't turn everything you don't love about your partner in that exact instance into a problem or into a fight . You have to be willing to let your partner be a growing , changing , evolving human being who is not perfect , and you have to commit to loving all of them as they change , as they grow , even if they get the weird hobby right . You have to be committed to that And don't fight on the things that don't matter , that won't matter in the long run .

Speaker 1 13:09

And there's this old little rule of thumb that works for both ends of this that I really like , and it's just asking yourself honestly what happens if I do or don't address this . Will this cause a better long-term future ? Do I need to bring it up or request this of my partner ? Is this something I should just let roll off my back ? and it doesn't need to be a big deal Just keeping those parameters in line . It's really easy when we get so comfortable with someone to just say anything that pops into our heads or air any slight grievance , but keep them in mind and keep what is important in mind when bringing up these types of conversations .

Speaker 1 13:53

So for my next one , i got to add a little note here and just for all of this caveat , i think you all know this but please be aware , in this conversation today , i'm talking about safe , healthy , decent relationships . Anyone in an abusive or unsafe situation that is not the conversation that we are having today Please use your resources and get safe . If that is you , i had to throw this out there because my next advice does not apply to these folk . But for the healthy , safe relationships that you want to grow in , nurture , especially if you're married , don't speak about divorce , don't use that word , don't discuss it , don't joke about it , don't think about it , don't fantasize about it when you're fighting right , and I totally agree with this one We definitely don't do that . That is a hard set boundary for both of us in our relationship . Never , ever , use that word . Never have , never will . Really , if you start to even just joke about it or play with it , it starts to normalize it in your brain and that is not something you want to be comfortable with , especially if you want to be like these folks who are celebrating 30 , 40 plus years together . If you want that , your fantasies need to be about fixing any problems or hurdles and visualizing you guys in the healthy , wonderful relationship that you know you can have , not fantasizing about you without them . Again , safe , healthy relationships only . Does this apply ? Okay , but my last one , this one is my absolute favorite and I'll explain . but it's to be engaged what the other one cares about . Engage in their bids for attention .

Speaker 1 15:36

I remember way back when hearing about the bird watcher bird bid theory years and years ago , and I thought it was so profound , so good and it was so very heavily imprinted on me , fully , since the first time I read it , and it was something that I was very mindful of in my own dating , so I was really happy to get this advice . So what is this ? if you don't know about the bird bid theory , it's by a man named John Gottman , who coined what he calls bids for connections , which are really just requests from one partner to another to connect emotionally . And he explains it this way throughout the day , partners would make requests for connections . What Gottman calls bids For the example .

Speaker 1 16:22

The husband is a bird enthusiast , has been for years and he notices a gold finch fly across the yard . He looks and says to his wife look at this beautiful bird outside . He's not just commenting on the bird here , he's requesting a response from his wife , a sign of interest or support , hoping that they'll connect , however momentarily , over this bird . Now the wife has a choice . She can respond by either turning toward or turning away from her husband's bid . As he puts it . Even though this bird bid might sound really minor and really silly , like nothing , it can actually reveal a lot about the health of the relationship .

Speaker 1 17:07

The husband thought that the bird was important enough to bring up in the conversation and the question is whether or not his wife realizes and respects that . And as part of his research on this , he conducted a study with newlyweds and then followed up on them six years later . Many of them were still together , many of them were divorced . But what he found statistically ? that the couples who stayed married were much better at just one thing The percent of times they turned inward rather than away . At the six-year follow-up , couples that stayed married were the ones that turned towards each other 86% of the time , such such good stuff .

Speaker 1 17:53

So care about your partner's interest . If they love them , you love them . If y'all are a unit , i think that's so , so great . Just that simple little engagement of excitement is enough to really help keep your spark . So what we've gathered from this information , all the advice we've been getting over the last few months , is Communicate respectfully , with active listening .

Speaker 1 18:19

Choose your battles wisely . Is it worth fighting over or do we let it go ? Be clear on what answer serves you best . If you don't want a divorce , don't let it be a reality in conversation or really even in thought . And , lastly , engage with their bids for attention . Give them that love , give them that attention . It only takes a second and it makes you so much more emotionally , intimately connected . So good , go out there . Go love on your honey , love on your partner . Keep on loving . Love hard , love strong . It's what the world needs . And love on you too . Today , don't forget that . But all right , my loves , that's where I'll leave us today . I want to thank you so much for joining in on this conversation with me , and each week , every Monday , we're going to be posting a new episode , going a little bit deeper into the conversation of what you can do to train your brain on purpose to really allow for the lifestyle that you want to live . Until next time , my loves . In the meantime , here's to your health and your happiness .